On Friday, December 3, 2010, I took all three of my beloved children to their schools. Lexie went to her high school where she feels so comfortable. She had asked me to let her use time that morning to catch up on her homework, and I said "OK" so she was the last to go to school. Arianne and I had been fighting on and off for months, and unfortunately that morining was no different. A little ways before the school, she reached out and held my hand with hers, a small, but very welcome gesture to let me know that she loved me, even though I was being a bit of a jerk. I rushed to get her into the locked door, and didn't even get a chance to hug her goodbye, or look into her eyes and tell her "I love you." I dropped Zachary off as usual, at a school he wasn't even enrolled in, with a packed lunch, a special note, and a big smile as I said: "Learn everything they teach you, make lots of friends, and have fun!".
The next week I prepared for their return with love and anticipation. I had stocked the kitchen with ALL of their favorite foods, even a giant, triple sized Monster with a funny screw top for Lexie. I had gotten a video delivered for Zack - the first Hero Factory; I had bought all new colors of Christmas lights at Arianne's request, and was looking forward to putting up the lights with all 3 children. I had a really cool set of 3 Ginger Bread House Kits ready for them, Fireworks to celebrate their return, and even prepared the garden soil to plant carnations, as promised to my girls. I had not seen them since the prior Friday morning, and this was to be our "long" (3 1/2 day) weekend together. I was sooo ready to receive them and have a great time!
But I never saw them.
YOU!!!! ALL of you
I miss your faces, your voices, your different personalities - I just miss being with you, being your DAD
I miss being able to look into your eyes and telling you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I miss hugging you, and kissing you on the tops of your fuzzy little heads. And the times we have:
Playing in the rain in the street.
Going to church, studying God's word together
Swimming in our pool, all summer long! Our races, our games, diving, our "how long can you hold your breath" contests, retrieving toys and stuff from the bottom of the pool, warming ourselves in the hot tub.
Fun in the snow - Sledding!!!
Camping, and cooking - outdoors
Jumping on the Trampoline, spraying you with water, and playing "Dead Man, dead man, come alive!"
Disneyland, Sea World, the Grand Canyon, Wind and Sea beach, Petrified Forest, Sequoia National Park, Mt Graham, Roper Lake, Portland,Oregon, Multnomah Falls, OMSI, Everything in Phoenix! Peppersauce cave, The mines at Helvetia, The Sand Dunes, Pima County Fair, and Flying in Jet Planes!.
Hearing your wild stories when you come back from the "Back Again Blast"
Watching your grace and poise as you do your gymnastics routines
Listening to you talk about everything that happened in school
Eating Little Ceasars Bread sticks (with sauce- Ari)and Cheesy Bread (Lex) together
Riding our bikes - anywhere and everywhere
Eating popsicles in the summer heat
Building our fires together in the winter
Watching the joy in your faces as you ride your motorcylces around the neighborhood.
You saying: "Turn it UP!!!" when your favorite songs come on the radio in the car
Exploring storage sheds at home improvement stores, and model homes!
The GEM SHOW - need I say more?
Helping you with your homework late into the night
Those INSANE water slides in Phoenix! Wow!
Putting up Christams Lights with you.
Taking you and your friends to Mt. Lemmon and Madera Canyon.
Following animal tracks in the desert.
Saving the Toads on Mission Rd - every summer!
Tasting your cooking creations in the kitchen with you, Lexie! and:
Surprising you with fresh flowers in your bathroom each week
And YOU beating me at Checkers, Arianne! and:
Hearing you humm happily to yourself as you toodle around the house and invent things.
Drawing Mazes for you!
And doing Puzzles with you
Building Gingerbread houses with you
Decorating the Christmas tree together, and then hanging your stockings
Seeing the excitement in your eyes on Christmas, and also on Easter morning!
Planning what do on your birthdays, and doing it!
Watching you climb trees
Timing your speed on your motorcyles
Going to the Gym with you
Buying your combs, brushes, shampoos, and other girly stuff!
Clothes shopping with you
Playing video games with you, and watching you create your own videos
Collecting pretty stones wherever we go
Planting seeds in our garden, and watching them grow!
I miss making a fruit plate for you every morning :-)
Racing to Burger King in time for egg and cheese biscuits!
Shopping at Fallas Paredes, and the 99 cent store.
Watching the stars at night
Yelling: "Get down off that roof" at you, until I finally gave it up
Talking about God, and listening to your ideas about Him
Playing baseball with you at the park, and tossing frisbees through the sky to one another.
I miss going on a mission to get cardboard for your school projects and plays.
Helping you to create dresses and clothes for your plays.
Talking to you about your problems with other kids, and seeing you feel better.
I miss successfully getting all the slivers and cactus needles out of your fingers and toes with tweezers.
I miss shopping for your favorite foods, packing your lunches, and making notes to tell you how much I love you and appreciate you!
Watching as all three of you get along and love each other, share with one another, and show how loving you are.
I Miss EVERYTHING about each of YOU!I love each of you! So Why is this happening?
Link to: All of us having fun on the trampoline
Link to: Our Albumn
Link to: Us !
Link to: Ari 1
Link to: Arianne in the Nutcracker 2010
Link to: Arianne in the Nutcracker 2011
Link to: At the base of Multnomah Falls
Link to: A tired cousin Dominick says "hi!"
Link to: Lex 1
Just a little bit about what's been happening at our home since December. As you remember, our Rhus Lancia tree was struck by lightning and split down the middle. I hired your cousin Steve to pull it out, and in its place I planted this tall, skinny Pepper Tree. The trampoline was also fried so I took it out and planted grass, in the hope that you would soon return home and roll around in it! It is a hypo-allergenic "tiff green" grass like you see on golf courses on TV. Last Saturday, your cousin Dominick came to town to sign autographs, and I had him sign a photo for Lexie. In March, your uncle Jimmy had a stroke, and had to have surgery. He is back at work but that is about all he can do. In April, your grandma Jacobs had a stroke also and she was in the hospital for a month. She has had to relearn her speech, and walking is very difficult. Needless to say, beacuse of what's happened to our family, I am needed to care for your grandma and grandpa, and I go there twice a week to help out. You grandma can't drive because everyday she wakes up dizzy and it lasts all day. Your new cousin (inlaw) Brittany now works at St. Joseph's Hospital and other hospitals as a visiting nutritionist, and she came to visit your grandma often. Grandma, Grandpa, and Jimmy all miss you and want to see you again. Our garden is growing again, and Lexie's roses actually bloomed this spring! I'm talking about the tiny roses we had kept in your bathroom, which we then planted in the garden, thinking they were probably dead. Desiree's old house on Destino burnt down! and teams of people have been fixing it ever since.
I can't even begin to tell you how trying this ordeal has been for me. I am your Daddy, that is how I have seen myself from the day each of you was born. To not be your daddy hurts beyond belief. One minute, I am signing Arianne up for the Nutcracker Ballet, and talking to Lexie about what kind of car she wants to drive when she reaches 16. The very next minute, I am nothing, I can't even give my own children pictures of me. Why? What have I done to strip me of my life as your DAD? I can't love you - I am not allowed. I can't talk to you, your mom makes sure of that. What do I do? I miss you all so terribly. Not having you here with me hurts very deeply, to the very core of my soul. This is not God's will.
Below are some pictures just to keep you up to date.
I haven't used the pool all summer. There is beautiful lightning all around, but I won't go up on the roof to look at it. Nothing is fun anymore without my children. It's back to school time and there are kids everywhere in the stores. How I wish I could take you shopping for school supplies! Remember last year? We found those notebooks with neat christian sayings on them at WalMart, of all places! That was cool. Life does not mean what it used to, if I can't be my kids' dad.
9/19/11: Below are some pictures of things I see everyday, things that are just little symbols of our love for one another, and our life here at home together. I see them everyday, and they break my heart as constant reminders of the
absence of my children, the most important part of my life. How many more adventures are we going to miss experiencing together? How many more birthdays, Easters, and Christmases? How many more days- or even YEARS - will we not be able to see each other face to face, and know how important we are to one another? How long will I be prevented from
helping my precious daughters in all things in their lives? How long will it be before I can look into their eyes and tell them how much I love them?
I wonder if Arianne and Lexie remember where these are from: Or where we were, and what we were doing when we found these? Who's little gold Panda from China is this?? and who was (maybe still is?) crazy about fairies? Just simple, everyday things that make me think of them, everyday. . . . . caption 1 caption 2 caption 3 I miss you Lexie, and you Arianne, and you Zachary I love you Lexie, I love you Arianne, I love you Zachary. Please, keep praying. ~Dad
I wonder if Arianne and Lexie remember where these are from:
Or where we were, and what we were doing when we found these?
Who's little gold Panda from China is this?? and who was (maybe still is?) crazy about fairies?
Just simple, everyday things that make me think of them, everyday. . . . .
I miss you Lexie, and you Arianne, and you Zachary
I love you Lexie, I love you Arianne, I love you Zachary. Please, keep praying. ~Dad